Select Page
How To Get Free When “They” Don’t Change
How can I get free from negative emotions? I’ve heard it said that when I point a finger at someone else, I still have three fingers pointed back at me.  In other words, when I see something in someone else I don’t like, I have to remember, “if you spot it, you got it!”  I am guilty of whatever character defect I’m seeing in another. But until I recognize this, I cannot be free. I am in bondage to my old ideas that others have to change in order for me to be okay.  
In fact, I used to believe that others’ were the cause of my problems.  But I know today that this is not the case.  Every time I think someone else is my problem, and that I cannot find serenity until they change, I am in trouble.
“They” are not the problem
My problem is thinking that the solution lies outside of myself. I erroneously believe that if I can find some material solution for my problem (A new flame, a new job, a new city) then everything will be better. I wrote more about the concept of thinking that something outside of myself would make me happier or more content in this blog post:
When I think someone else has to change or that I can find happiness outside of myself, I am missing an important spiritual principle: For every problem, there is a spiritual solution. I cannot find that solution if I am looking for something or someone else to:
  • Satisfy me
  • Change their behavior or
  • Do something that only I can do for myself
I know this because I have been guilty of it as well!
Years ago, I used to complain to my spiritual advisor about how awful people were treating me. I was a waitress and I used to say, “if they would just tip me more” or ”if only they’d…” fill in the blank. My advisor would remind me by saying, “It’s not them! The answer lies within you. As soon as you look outside yourself for the answer, you’re giving away your power.”
(Of course, as technology advanced, she could see on the caller ID that it was I who was calling. She would pick up the phone and say, ”honey, it’s not them” and hang up!)
No one has to change in order for you to be okay. Because “they” are not the problem!”
The problem lies in my old ideas, old attitudes and beliefs.
When I become willing to change my beliefs about a situation, I can find serenity and happiness.
Of course, this takes some work. I have to be willing to see where I am faulty in my belief systems. And if I can’t see it on my own,  I need help seeing the old ideas.  But as soon as I get the guidance, I can be free. No one else has to change in order for me to find this peace.
Do you have a situation which is vexing to you and you can’t see where you’re part of the problem?  Let me know via email or in the comment section and I will help.

Related Topics

Exploring the Connection between Heavenly Reward and Mitzvot

  I want to talk about the performing of mitzvot (good deeds). But first - a major announcement! I am going to be migrating this blog over to a new home: later this month. (It's not live yet - if you go to it now, you will see the...

Soulmates in Judaism

The Concept of Soulmate In Genesis, it is written, “Man and woman, God created them.” In Midrash Bereshit, the Rabbis took that concept to mean that God created humans as one soul. With both male and Female attributes. God created the concept of the soulmate. When...

Understanding the Importance of Enoch in the Apocrypha

The Book of Enoch is found in the later writings which were not included in the Hebrew Bible. They are found in the books known as the Apocrypha and the Pseudepigrapha. These books were originally written in Hebrew, Aramaic and Greek. This body of literature was...